sunnuntai 13. heinäkuuta 2014

Good night

Second day of preparation is behind and the third one is dawning. I woke up at 2 am. and haven't slept since. The wind has kept rising throughout the night and seems to begin to reach its peak for now. The rain is whipping the white-board windows.

It has starterd to become clear to me that time tends to take a condensed form before the ceremony. Anything that happens has this weird intensity to it, especially emotions are exaggarated and almost out of control. I reckon this is the way the Medicine is working for me, now. She is clearly showing me where I should aim my focus into, pointing out the things that need to be worked with.

I have been very angry recently, which is very unusual for me, considering my calm, sometimes almost passive nature. Then I realised that something has changed inside me, not outside. The reason for my anger is not something external, it is not because someone is pissing me off or the conditions are unfavourable to my taste. A blockage, a huge one, has opened up within me. The amount of energy released is so overwhelming it seems to be completely out of control. However, I have started to figure out ways to channel this new source of life within. As it is, in its purest form, this energy manifests as heat, as tension, rage, frustration. 

Instead, I can create again. I can draw, manifest the visions from inside my head onto the paper. I can read again, I can absorb new ideas and think critically and clearly. I am dreaming. I can consider my options and make decisions. My emotions are clearer, more subtly defined so they're easier to separate from each other. This way I can let intuition guide me and help me do what feels right. I can trust myself again, a little bit at least. The road to loving oneself is still spreading long and rocky in front of me, but I know I have at least embarked upon it. 

The time has travelled to almost 5 am. There is something undescribably mysterious about being awake when everyone else is sleeping. You think, how far is the sleeping state from the state of being dead?

Crossing the veil between the worlds. The times we're living in are the times of magic, but very few are aware of this. Everything is changing.

I will write down the 'La Dieta' which I am following for now in order to cleanse and prepare my body and spirit for the Medicine.


meat apart from fish
aged foods, like cheeses (especially blue)
dairy (I'm lactose intolerant anyway)
soy products
sugar (honey instead)
salty foods
spicy foods (herbs are okay)
fatty foods (regulated intake of nuts is okay)
excess use of oils
dietary supplements
processed foods
caffeine, alcohol, kannabis, drugs


nuts, seeds
rice etc.
maca, barley grass etc.

I will also practise yoga, run a little and spend time in the nature. I will avoid watching movies or anything that contains disturbing contents. I aim to have at least a couple of meditation sessions this weeks, which is a great improvement in comparison to the zero amount of such that I've been doing. I will remember to cleanse my self and my room with the smoke from Palo Santo in the morning and in the evening before going to sleep. I will avoid using too many chemicals on my skin - time to skip that industrial deodorant for now I guess. Oh yeah and now sex for a week before and after the ceremony. That in my current state of mind is not difficult at all but for my partner it is a pain in the balls I reckon.

Good morning.

torstai 15. elokuuta 2013


Siitä on kauan, kun viimeksi olen valutellut sanoja ulos sormenpäistäni. Niin kauan, että tuntuu, kuin jokin, joku sisälläni olisi kadottanut äänensä, vaipunut mykkyyteen. Hiljaisia kaikuja on vielä jäljellä, niiden veljiä ja siskoja yritän jälleen houkutella esiin piiloistaan. Rakastan kirjoittamista. Sanoilla leikkimistä, taivuttelua,  hulluttelua. Mihin se onkaan taas unohtunut. Oman levottomuuteni jalkoihin lie jäänyt, raukka parka.

Pysähtyminen on tuntunut viime aikoina hurjan tärkeältä, varsinkin kun niin moni asia muuttuu. Tuntuu, kuin seisoisin keskellä valokuvaa, joka on täynnä kiiruhtaen liikkuvia hämyisiä varjokuvia, minä ainoana, joka paikallaan seisoen katsoo suoraan kameraan päättäväisin silmin. Olen myöntänyt itselleni, miten paljon välillä pelottaakaan. Eikä se haittaa. Uusi vapaus ja maailman suunnattomuus, sitähän tässä opetellaan ymmärtämään. Kaikki on omissa käsissä.

Tänään itkin onnesta, kiitin siitä, mitä olen pyytämättä saanut. Hapuillen rakennan uutta alkua, kokeillen ja tunnustellen. Juoksen merenrantaa varmoin askelin ja pää korkealla. Minä pystyn tähän.

keskiviikko 24. huhtikuuta 2013

Ajatusleikkikentällä lapset heittelevät toisiaan terävillä kivillä takaraivoon. Veri ja aivonkappaleet valuvat pitkin kiipeilytelineitä, keinun alla on jonkun kenkä. 

lauantai 16. maaliskuuta 2013

Fell in love with a boy - got tired of it, fell in love with the world.
There's a bonobo eating a pear in my room.